After reflecting back on my post from yesterday, I am feeling the need to clarify a few things. I guess that stems mainly from my joyful comments. I am not anywhere near perfect. I do not have my act together most of the time. I am human and have down times and moments of weakness like any other human being. I am not joyful 100% of the time, but my percentages are improving. It has taken me a long time to be content with where I am and with what God is doing in our lives, but I am now truly content. That contentment is what leads to joy. If I had not gone through that painful process, I would not be able to honestly tell you that I am joyful. I am not sure Kevin has reached the joyful stage yet. Correction: He is joyful a lot of the time, but maybe he is still working on his shooting percentage. I believe this is because he is the provider for the family and carries a heavy burden. However, I must admit he is a lot closer to this pure joy than he was several years ago. Nevertheless, being joyful really has nothing to do with whether or not I have it all together. I am choosing to live this way instead of in misery or just pretending to be happy. I can choose to be happy with the circumstances I am given. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes it is a hard one to make, and other times it is quite easy. My family deserves and needs a more joyful Mommy. This goes the other way too. I am able to enjoy my family more if I am joyful.
Speaking of choosing happiness and being joyful. I was tested this morning. Kevin usually takes the kids to school, and I am so thankful for this act of service that he lovingly does for me. I have had to do this task most mornings the past two weeks. The worst part is that I have to load up all four children to make the "quick" trip. Most of the time this means waking the sleeping baby. Is there not a rule or law that says to never wake a sleeping baby? Well, I have been quite successful with this task until this morning.
I will say that the testing actually happened before we ever left the house. Calvin asked ever so politely if we could leave a little early and stop by the Shell for a breakfast treat. He explained that his sweet sister, Kevlie Ann, wanted to buy breakfast for us. This was an interesting test because 99% of the time my response would be no. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a stickler for healthy choices for my children. I am not so great at this myself as it is so hard to change old habits, but I want better for them. I rarely let them drink sodas, unless it is a party. I do not allow much sugar, and I try to stay away from candy unless it is a holiday or grandparent treat. So, naturally, why would I agree to stop today and allow them to purchase donuts and cinnamon rolls? I do not know except that I decided to be the "nice mom" today. I hesitated before saying yes, but then quickly realized that it had been a long time since I had said yes to such request. (Now Daddy is a push-over in this department. As long as he will reap some benefit from this breakfast splurge, then he will go for it much more often than me. I would say he is closer to a 75%er. I know that does not seem like a great drop from the 99% no to 75% no, but the kids have learned how to work it.)
Test 1: passed.
The only problem I saw with this plan and the "yes" committment I had made was that we would need to leave a little early. What is "a little" early? Actually, what is early? Since children entered my life, early rarely happens. I hate it. I know hate is a strong word, but I really do hate being late. I hate being on time. I would rather be early and not rushed. I have tried everything. I have tried getting up extra early, but then there is too much extra time and I am not sure where it all goes. I have tried setting the clocks 5 minutes ahead. They are now set 10 minutes ahead. This does not work because I can do the math, and I know how many times I can press snooze. Basically, I can get myself ready, but I am not good at the allowing for catastrophes like poo, meltdowns, lost keys, or just plain stuff. There are times when I have it all together, and we are early. I am quite proud of this accomplishment when it happens, and I celebrate it. I often reflect on it and think, "wow, that was not hard at all." However, even though it was not hard, I cannot for the life of me figure out how I did it so that it could be successfully replicated on a daily basis. But today...we left a little early.
Test 2: passed.
Now a little early meant that I wore my jammies (that did not match) underneath a sweatshirt jacket. I threw on my glasses because there would be no time for contacts. I slipped on flip flops. I did take an extra 15 seconds or so to reassemble my ponytail so that I did not look totally like the just hopped out of bed Momma. (I know this really does not fool anyone, but it makes me feel better.) The twins were ready and excited. They had pep talked Colton so he was excited about donuts. (Colton is a night owl like me. He really prefers to sleep in and wake up on his own in the mornings.) I grabbed Kylee and put her in the carseat. No milk and not even a diaper change. (I can read all of this and see a successful plan for being early; however, I just do not think this would work on a consistent basis. Or at a minimum we probably would not have very many places to go because we would not have very many friends in this hippy-hobo state we looked this morning.) Regardless, we were on our way along with the rest of the world and morning traffic. We live about a mile and a half away from the Shell. About a mile down the road, the van shuts down. According to my gas guage, I should have had at least 20 more miles. I had planned to get gas on my way back home and not at the Shell. I really thought at this moment that it was not a gas problem. I remained calm and collected and even, yes, you know it, JOYFUL. I was laughing at the situation. I was praising the Lord that I had actually left a little early. I was praising the Lord that I had said yes to the donuts. I was desperately praying that we could coast and make it to the gas station. As we were coasting, I could tell the people behind me were not at all impressed with my slow, cautious driving. Maybe they were not as early as we were. We coasted our way to the entrance of the station, and I had to really press on the breaks to be able to make the turn. This is so hard without power steering! Unfortunately, this slowed the van enough that it did not make it to the pump. I then proceeded to jump out of the van in my hippy-hobo attire and push the van. I pushed and pushed while I am sure others were being quite entertained. I mean traveling circuses are very entertaining! I stopped and decided that I was probably close enough for the pump to reach. It was at this point when I had placed it in park that a very kind man told me he would push it the rest of the way for me. He was at the pump next to me. I am not sure what was going through his mind while I was pushing; nevertheless, I was thankful, embarassed, but appreciative for his good deed for the day! The kids were still able to get donuts. I decided after all of that I needed and deserved a Dr. Pepper. And because we had left a little early, the kids still had 5 minutes to spare when we pulled into the school driveway.
Test 3: passed.
I would say that I passed with flying colors. It does not always happen this way. There are many times that I would have totally lost it once the coasting began. Moreover, it would have been even more stressful if I had not answered a simple yes to a simple question from a loving son. Praise the Lord that this time I did not lose it, and it was a great lesson for the kids. They were able to walk into school joyful, instead of stressed and in foul moods because of the way Mommy reacted. This reminds me of a song This Is The Stuff by Francesca Battistelli that speaks directly to my stage in life right now. I think all of the "stuff" in the song has happened to me. I know that I could have written at least 4 more verses for her. I mean it does not even include the running out of gas example of the stuff He uses.
Enjoy singing along!
Only By God's Grace...
I am joyful and blessed beyond measure even through the stuff.
Much Love,
Callie Ann
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